ACLs and more

Life is going so fast and I have been busy (or lazy?) and so I haven't chronicled my life in a long time.  So here it goes.  To start things off, I tore my ACL 4 weeks ago and had surgery 3 weeks ago.  Here is the post I wrote right after I tore my ACL, but I didn't publish it...

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Wow, these past few weeks (especially the past 48 hours) have been a blur.  Where to begin.  Well, a week and a half ago, we had an intramural game.  Josh and I are on the same team.  It is a coed team and it is with people from our ward.  So we were two people down almost the entire game and we were playing a team that would flop a ton and were getting mad at us.  It was really intense.  I was getting really mad at some of the things going on and some of the calls.  We were up 2-1 (again, two men down) and I dribbled all through their team and then I was right by the goal and I should've shot it harder or laid it off, but instead I shot it whimpishly at the keeper.  There was 30 seconds left.  He punted it down and it was on our half and it was crazy.  People were trying to clear it out and people were falling.  Josh was in the middle of everything and with 10 seconds left he went to clear it and in the process someone stepped on his ankle and he tried to turn the other way and he hurt his knee.  I had no idea he was on the ground.  I started shaking people's hands and then I saw people huddled over Josh.  So, Josh is funny and unique when he gets hurt.  If it's not super bad, he laughs and runs away.  Weird, I know.  Josh was neither laughing nor running away, so I knew it was serious.  Josh said he saw his leg all twisted and then he realized his knee cap was out of place and then it popped back into place.  He was in a lot of pain, so we got him in the car and I drove us home.  We assumed he had dislocated his kneecap.  I made him stay off it for a few days, but I wanted him to go see Carolyn Billings, who used to be my trainer at BYU when I played soccer.  He didn't want to go, because he didn't want her to check his ACL and have it hurt.  Understandable.  So finally a week later we went to her and she checked his knee and he told her what happened.  Well, she said he tore his MCL and ACL and sometimes the mind can play tricks during injuries and his leg probably was really messed up.  So we were really bummed about that.  ACLs are the worst.  And really really expensive.  So then we had to think what we were going to do.  This was on Friday and it was a three day weekend, so Carolyn scheduled an appointment with Dr. Kimball for Tuesday (today) at 8:30.  We were trying to figure out what we could do financially and Monday Josh and I called places about prices and everything.  We had an intramural game that night at 6.  It was so so hot.  I had a thought before the game that came to me multiple times..."wouldn't it be weird if I tore my ACL tonight?"  And it wasn't like a warning to not play, but it was like I could imagine that happening.

So the game started and we were dominating and were up 5 to 0 at the half.   Did I mention it was SO HOT?  It was hot.  During the second half a guy on the other team had the ball and I kind of stole it from him and but I was facing my own goal (we were toward the sideline) and he was on my back and I thought I would do a move to meg him and get around him.  I almost did it, but he kind of kicked it away so we were running and I stepped in front and then I took a step and Josh thinks I got hit and I landed really weird.  It was immediately terrible.  I landed on my left foot and my upper leg and lower leg went two different directions and I heard a noise like my leg broke.  It was a terrible feeling.  I immediately collapsed and I started screaming.  Partly because I knew without a doubt that I had just torn my ACL and partly because I was in so much pain I wanted someone to hit me over the head so I would go unconscious.  It was really painful.  I wanted to get taken off the field, so someone from my ward carried me off while Josh walked/limped beside us (it was awkward).  Tate was distraught.  I think he knew something was wrong, because he was crying and wanting me. I got off the field and I told Josh to call Carolyn.  She didn't answer, but then one of my old teammates from BYU who still plays was there to watch a friend play and she called Carolyn and told her what happened.  Carolyn was still at BYU, even though it was 7 at night.  She said to come to the training room.  So at first Nimmer (my teammate) gave me a piggyback ride, but that was too painful and then Josh tried to carry me and eventually I couldn't take it because it hurt so badly so he put me down and I laid in the parking lot.  Carolyn came and checked my knee (in the parking lot) and told me I tore my ACL.  I cried, but not as hard as I was expecting.  Carolyn put me in the cart and drove me to the training room and I was in a TON of pain.  I've experienced intense pain before when I gave birth to Tate.  This wasn't as bad, but it was a close second.  I was given medicine to help the pain.  Stacy and Andrew took Tate.  Carolyn called Dr. Kimball and said, "remember the husband of the former player you are seeing tomorrow?  Can the wife also come?"  She said he laughed like he didn't believe it.  I hadn't really cried up to this point, but when josh and I left I got very emotional.  I have torn my ACL before and the recovery is long and the worst thing ever.  I did not want to go through it again.  And it made it so much worse that josh had a torn ACL too!! Who would take care of Tate?  How would we function?  We got home and I gained composure of my emotions.  Josh gave me a blessing (which was really sad looking, because I was lying on the couch with my brace on and Josh was half kneeling with a brace on his knee).  And two guys from our ward gave Josh a blessing.  At that point I was in a good place.  I felt like we would be okay.  And I especially felt close to Heavenly Father, because we had seen so many miracles even up to that point.  Like Carolyn still being at BYU, Josh having an appointment for the next day that I could go to, Nimmer being there, Stacy and Andrew taking Tate.  But especially I felt so close to and loved by Heavenly Father, because I really felt like the thoughts I had before the game about me tearing my ACL showed me he was looking out for me.  Even though I still played and still tore my ACL, I felt like He was looking out for me and it showed me He was aware of me and what I was about to go through.  I have no doubt in my mind that those thoughts were from Him and in some way were meant to show me His love and His awareness of me.  I felt so much love from Heavenly Father and so much gratitude He would help me feel close to Him.

So today we went to the doctor's appointment.  We waited forever, but we finally got in.  Dr. Kimball looked at my knee and said to not even get an MRI because he knew it was torn.  No shock there.  Then he did Josh's knee and he said he didn't think his ACL was torn!  He had a grade 2 MCL tear. And he said Josh didn't dislocate his kneecap.  He wasn't 100% sure, but he was pretty sure.  He said to wait 4-6 weeks and if he still had problems we could do an MRI.  Well, we told him we are moving overseas and probably can't wait.  So he said do the MRI just to make sure.  If it wasn't ACL, then it would just be 4-6 weeks recovery, but no surgery!  I scheduled my surgery for Tuesday, which is also the day my family is coming out to visit.  Blessing!

So I went to do some rehab for my knee and I talked to Carolyn.  She said she hoped she was wrong, but she felt pretty sure Josh's ACL was torn.  She said she would text Dr. Kimball as soon as Josh was done with the MRI to have him look at it so we would know and not have to wait.  So around 6 josh got a call from Dr. Kimball.  He said his ACL wasn't torn!!  He had semi-torn his MCL and he had dislocated his kneecap.  So no surgery!!!  We were so happy.  I felt so incredibly blessed.  Things with my insurance is better to have surgery than Josh's, so if one of us were to have a surgery, it should be me.  It is a miracle!  We have been so so blessed.  And I really have been helped by Heaven to be able to see the positive and to not be sad.  I am in a good place and feel peaceful and like things will work out.  That is a tender mercy from Heavenly Father.  We are so blessed.

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So I ended up getting surgery and that was horrible haha.  I was feeling pretty good the morning of.  Tears would periodically come to my eyes, but I wasn't too nervous.  We got there and they took me back and I got in the way-too-flimsy gown they have you wear and I was hooked up to an IV laying on a bed and Josh came back to see me.  That's when I started to cry.  I was just saying "I don't want to do this, I don't want to do this.  Don't let them do this to me."  I have had surgery before and I it wasn't the best experience.  So they took me back and the nice PA named Doug was talking to me and then they gave me something to go to sleep and I woke up later in a curtained off room.  I was all alone and I remember calling for Josh wondering where he was.  Then I went back to sleep.  Then I woke up again and Josh was there and I told him I woke up all alone and I asked him why he wasn't there.  Then I fell asleep again.  This was pretty much the cycle for the next 6 hours while I waited to leave.  I slept a long time and I was really sick.  I couldn't leave because i was so sick.  I threw up and the nurses were all making a big deal about how badly I looked, which I appreciated.  Finally we came home and I don't really remember anything that happened.  I know my family came at some point and I threw up at some point, but other than that I really don't remember.  The next day I went to physical therapy and as I was crutching in I threw up in the middle of the hall, luckily my sister was there holding a bowl.  So I got a wheelchair.  The next time I went into rehab, again everybody made a big deal about how horrible I looked last time.  My family was in town, which was awesome, because I had lots of help with Tate and people to talk to.  My mom stayed an extra week, during which I worked soccer camps.  I just sat in a lawn chair and tried to coach.  My league team (we split the girls up into league teams and we have games throughout the week and then the last day we have a tournament) was horrible.  We didn't win a single game.  And then, the last day-during the tournament- we beat the 2nd place team, then the 3rd place team, and we made it to the finals.  I was so proud.  Then we lost.  But I was still so proud!  

Tate is getting so old.  He can say "blue" and he can point out and say the letter "e" among our alphabet fridge magnets (I'm not sure if he just is getting lucky every time).  He loves to say "no." He has actually been a very cranky baby lately.  He is really good at throwing tantrums, which I guess is a normal thing for his age.  He will run back and forth in the kitchen, then throw himself on the ground, or run into the wall.  Besides the fact that he is screaming really loudly while he is doing this, it is actually really funny.  A few days ago he was waking up in the middle of the night and he would scream and scream because he wanted us to get him out.  We'd  go in there and stroke his back and try to get him to calm down, but that only made him more upset.  I have never seen him more out of control and mad.  At one point he was shaking his crib and screaming so loud.  I was actually a little scared haha.  But he is doing better.  

One sad thing is that Tate wants Josh all the time and doesn't ever really want me to hold him (unless Josh won't give him something and he thinks I'll give it to him).  I think me being on crutches and not being able to hold Tate very much or do most of the things I usually do has thrown Tate off.  Oh, and he calls Josh "mom" now.  

We are getting ready for our move to the Philippines.  My mom helped me pack a large majority of our stuff, which was really nice (and by "helped me pack" I mean that she packed while I sat and told her where things went).  We have all of our immunizations and passports and luggage and things like that.  I've been emailing mom's friend's friend who lives there and she has been so helpful.  She's given me a better idea of what life will be like and what to bring and what not to bring.  

Josh and I are trying to enjoy our last summer in America...well the last for a few years.  We went to this fun freedom festival at the riverwoods.  Tate played in the splash pad and pet a pony and ate watermelon.  He was actually really cute about the pony.  He was fearless and kept petting its mane and was trying to look it in the face and talk to it.  Then he tried to put his hand in his mouth.  

The World Cup has been awesome.  I love watching the games when Tate is sleeping.  When Portugal scored the tying goal on Sunday my heart dropped.  I actually felt physically ill.

Well, that's the briefest of brief recaps.

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It's May!

This is one of my favorite pictures of Tate.

Tate loves to talk.  Today, after his bath/shower (about which I will go into more details later) he was talking and talking and talking and talking!  He talks a lot with his hands.  He'll hold them up in front of him and kind of twist them around.  It is really cute to watch.  And when he talks to me, he looks at me right in the eyes and speaks like I know what he is saying.  I personally think he is remembering something and telling me about it.  I honestly think he was telling me about the shower tonight.

I have started to put him in the bath tub and turn on the shower instead of a legit bath.  He loves holding the shower head.  I hide behind the shower curtain so I don't get wet and Tate has a blast.  He tries to drink the water, but ends up pointing the shower head so he gets hit right in the face with water.  He loves it.  We were in there for a long time tonight.

Tate's crib is made out of a mesh material and the mattress is right on the ground.  On one of the sides there is a zipper door.  You can unzip it and crawl in and out of  the crib.  Lately, Tate likes me to unzip the crib when he wakes of from his nap so he can crawl out instead of me picking him up (he points at the side of the crib where the zipper is and does his "want sound"... mm mmm?).  So yesterday after his first nap I unzipped the crib and he crawled out.  I put him down for his second nap and I went to the front room and sat down and 10 minutes later I heard Tate scream (which isn't unusual) and then I heard the bedroom door open.  I got kind of scared and got up to see what happened.  Here comes Tate, with my phone (we use it for white noise), walking out of the room.  My first thought was "how did Tate climb out of his crib!?"  Then I went in the room and discovered I had forgotten to zip his crib back up.  The unzipped side was pushed up against the bed, so Tate must of squeezed out, which is why I think he was screaming, found my phone, and got out of there.

Yesterday I had a roommate reunion, because our roommate who lives in Maine was in town.  We got together at Alexis's (one of my roommates) house and talked for hours.  Alexis's sister Ashley was there and we met her fiance Parker, but they left pretty soon after I got there.  When I got in the car to go home I noticed I had a text from someone about coming to see our apartment.  I wrote down on a sign-up sheet at Church on Sunday that we are moving and wrote some info about our apartment.  The person who texted me said her friend was in my ward and gave her my information.  Her name was Ashley Harrison, but I didn't recognize the name.  I got home and things were pretty chaotic, because Josh and Doug were cleaning the carpets and I hadn't made dinner so I was trying to do that and Ashley Harrison was coming to see the apartment (which was a disaster).  Someone knocked on the door and when I opened it, it was Alexis's sister Ashley and Parker!!  We laughed so hard that we didn't put it together!  Tate ended up waking up because of all the noise and he was crying.  So it was pretty crazy, but really funny.

I hurt my foot a week ago and so Tate and I haven't been going outside as much, because I don't want to walk a ton.  And I will probably have to bike instead of run for a while and I do not like biking.  So Tate and I are getting a little stir crazy from being inside so much.

Saturday we watched Gwen.  Tate and Gwen are so funny together!  They kissed and hugged and followed each other around.  At one point Tate was doing something naughty so I said "no," somewhat sternly and Gwen turned around and looked at me and started crying...and Tate kept doing what he was doing haha.  I have some really great videos I need to put up.
Then Heather watched Tate later that night, so Josh and I could go to a wedding reception.  There was a dance party afterwards and it was AWESOME.  I loved loved loved it.  I think I might've frightened a few people, but I had a really good time.  Dancing is one of my favorite things to do.  I was on a high for the next 24 hours. 

5/8
Today Tate had his 15 month check up.  I can't believe he is 15 months old!  He was definitely more aware of all the things he didn't like about the doctor's office.  When the nurse tried to measure him, he did not like lying down on the paper and getting stretched out.  He really did not like getting his head measured.  It took us a while before we could hold him down long enough to get the right measurement.  And he didn't like it when Dr. Zollo checked his breathing or looked in his ears and mouth.  To top it off, he had 2 shots and he did not like that either.  But I can't really blame him, I don't like those things either when I go to the doctor (though I don't routinely get my head measured).

Tate got his first haircut.  It was probably 5 months overdue, but better late than never.  Josh's mom cut it and she did it right in time, because I was planning on having Tate go to church with slicked back hair and a ponytail.  Something like this...but greasier...

Tate wore Gwen's pajamas to bed one night.

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It's Been a Long Time

Wow!  It has been a while.  Luckily, I've kept a few notes of funny things that have happened .

• Tate and I have found a new favorite spot.  The BYU Outdoor Track.  It is perfect...a big cage Tate can run around in.  It is nice, because I can let him run around and I know he can't run into the street and there is a big grass area he likes to play in.  The first time we went was on a Saturday and we just played on the track.  Tate explored all the hurdles and steeplechase equipment.  He spent probably 10 minutes playing on a hurdle.  Then we went another day and went on the grass field.  There are short sprint tracks on the grass and next to one of them is a sand area (I have no idea why), but Tate played in the sand for SO long.  At one point he grabbed a stick and would dip the stick in the sand and lick it and do it again.  He also loved just eating handfuls of sand, which I thought was kind of gross, so I tried to stop him from doing it.  Mostly, he would just sit in the sand and pick up handfuls of sand and then drop them.  Over and over and over again.  Then he pushed his car on the track for a while. I took Josh with us and we ran around together.  Seriously, we've been there a lot the past few weeks.  It's awesome.  And I feel like it's my field/track, because we had soccer camps there so I practically lived on those fields every summer for 5 years and we would do our early morning workouts around the track.
• Tate has a new favorite thing he loves to do.  He loves running down hills.  At the track there is a hill (this place really has everything) and Tate and I walk up the hill and run down and Tate loves it.  It is so funny when he does it, because he kind of bounces down.  
• A few days ago, I was cutting vegetables in the kitchen and all of a sudden Tate fell down hard on his back.  I think he was holding on to the oven handle and the door opened and he fell.  Well, then after that any time he saw the oven he would scream.  And the oven can be seen from almost any position in our apartment, so he saw it a lot.  Then a day or two later, Tate hugged the oven.  So I think things are okay between them.  Or he just saw his reflection and wanted a hug.  
• Tate is good at hugs.  If I hold out a toy to him and ask for a hug, he'll walk over and hug it.  It is so cute.  And when he gives me a hug, he always pats my back.  
• Whenever Josh or I come home, Tate does this happy dance where he stomps his feet and turns in a circle.  Then he runs away.  It is really funny.
• Before he went to bed two nights ago, he was on the couch with me looking out the window and he was talking and pointing at things outside.  Sometimes I wonder what he thinks he is saying.  He did it for probably 15 minutes, just talking and pointing.  I think Tate will be fun to listen to when he can use words.  
• We have hit a small bump in the road recently.  Tate is really good at screaming really loud.  It is a complicated issue.  Part of me feels bad for him, because it is probably really frustrating for him to not be able to talk and sometimes I have no idea what he wants.  So that would be hard.  Another part of me is frustrated, because it is frustrating having someone scream at you.  And part of me has no idea what to do, because Tate will scream and I know what he wants, but he can't have it, so he'll scream. We tried splashing him with water in the face every time he screamed, but that didn't really work.  So I am going to try a different tactic, and see if it works.  But last night, and actually all of yesterday, was just terrible.  Tate screamed so loud for so long.  And by the end of the day I was losing it.  He didn't want to eat his dinner, even though he was actually eating it.  So he would scream and then eat and scream and then eat.   So I just did the dished and ignored it, while he screamed.  I heard a knock on the door and it was our neighbors asking if I wanted a break.  And I started crying.  Haha.  Right in front of them.  It was really really embarrassing.  So embarrassing.  And Tate was still screaming haha. I said no thanks (through my tears) and later they brought me some baked goods,which would make anyone feel better, and luckily by that point I had stopped crying.  I was just embarrassed they could hear Tate and I was already frustrated and I felt like a bad mom.  I have realized I have judged so many moms in the past.  Never again!  If someone has a screaming child, they probably have had a really hard day and they are trying everything they know to get him/her to stop.  Before I had Tate I would wonder if the mom realized her child was screaming and I always thought, "my kids will never do that."  Now I know, of course the mom knew her child was screaming and she probably thought her kids would never do that either.  I have judged those moms and now I am one of them.  Mom's of screaming children (which is probably every mom) should have a support group where we can all cry together haha.  But really.  But today has been better and as my high school motto says, "ever upward and onward."
• I went to women's conference with my friend Heather.  It was awesome!  It was fun to see all the primary and YW aged girls.  I loved loved loved everything that was said and sung.  I loved it when everyone sang together during Sister Wixom's talk.  I was sitting next to a mom and her 4 or 5 daughters and it was so fun to see the younger ones stand up and sing.  And the few times I have been to the conference center I just get blown away that I am in the same room as the prophet!  I mean, how incredible is that!      

It is now April 13th.  I think I wrote everything above me on the 3rd or 4th.  Wow how time has flown.  This week Tate and I were outside all the time.  He is pretty tan and really blonde.  And extra cute.  I was watching Tate play outside and I was hit by a ton of love and amazement for him.  He is so awesome.  He can do so much and he is so fun and loves to learn new things.  I was just blown away that he is his own little person.  I love him so much.

Today Tate did so well at church!  We were a little worried, because the last time we were at church (2 weeks ago b/c of conference) it was a disaster!  He was so good during the first two hours especially.  R.S. things got kind of rocky, but only because I think he was really antsy.  He wanted to play in the curtains at the front of the room, play the piano, hit the table, shake the table, etc.  Pretty much anything but sit down.  It was cute, because he hugged this other little girl and she hugged him back, so they just stood there hugging each other for a while.  Then Tate started showing her how to play in the curtains and such.  I was so happy when the last amen was said (is that bad?).

Tate is just growing up so fast.  And I'm sure it only goes by faster.  He loves to pretend to talk on the phone.  He likes Mac n Cheese and vegetables, especially cooked carrots, and fruit.  He loves having his back tickled.  He loves loves loves putting the car key in the door knob key hole.  He loves being outside and swimming.  He likes eating dirt and sand.  He plays hide and seek.  He loves pushing his car around.

Today it is April 18th.  This is going to be a LONG post.  I haven't been able to upload my pictures and videos, so I am delaying actually posting this.  Two nights ago we were trying to get Tate to do his high pitched bubble-blowing sound.  He used to do it all the time when he was younger, but he has stopped.  So Josh and I would do it and then Tate would try.  He could do it at a lower pitch, but he couldn't remember how to do it like he used to (at a really high pitch).  He would try and then Josh and I would laugh and then Tate would start to kind of laugh.  But he was trying to keep himself from laughing and then we would all start laughing together.  He did it again and again.  He knew he wasn't doing it quite right, because he would start laughing after he would try and then try not to laugh so he could do it again,  Tate seemed so much older.  It was like he was 2 or 3.  I felt like I was seeing Tate in the future.  Josh and I talked about it for a while afterwards, just how funny it was and how old Tate seemed.

We have had great weather this week and we have been able to meet Josh for lunch and have little picnics everyday.  It's been so great and Tate loves being outside.

Doug taught Tate how to go down the stairs correctly (backwards, not forward).  So that was a huge accomplishment.  

April 23, 2014
The long post continues.  Here are some of our highlights since the last update (probably not in chronological order, since I can't remember)

• We got family pictures take.  Nathan and Sarah took them with their awesome camera.  There are a lot of really really cute ones.  Tate looked adorable!!  He is getting so big and looks like a little boy.  I got pretty hot and was sweating (of course-I am known for having the uncomfortable gift of sweating more than the average man), but luckily only one picture shows my unfortunate situation.  
• Easter!!  My grandma had an Easter Egg Hunt Saturday night.  A few days before I taught Tate how to "find the egg."   I would show him the egg, hide it, kind of help him find it, and then give him lots of positive reinforcement for finding the egg.  We did a trial run outside the morning of and it was a success.  And he did great under the pressure of the actual hunt.  He found the eggs, put them in our bag, and then we would take them out and he would find them again.  Then he realized he could unwrap the eggs and that they were chocolate and we lost him after that.  Sunday we went to Grandma and Grandpa Clark's house.  It was really fun!  Tate had lots of cousins to play with (they aren't technically cousins, they are Josh's, but I don't know the official term...so they're cousins). 
• Tate woke up today and decided he wanted to pinch my arm fat.  I really appreciated that.

Nathan caught these picture of the ducks midflight

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